What sometimes triggers us to be less than we can be? Occasionally I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend or a neighbor when I realize I have said something that shouldn’t have been said. Maybe I shared some news that wasn’t mine to tell, or made a judgement that was unfair or a judgmental piece of gossip, or maybe, some passive aggressive-not-so-subtle-stab that didn’t need to be said and gained nothing. On good days I will catch myself right after the blurt and think “why did I go there?” “what was that all about?” “who do I think I am?” Possibly, if I caught it fast enough, and wasn’t wound up in my own babbling, I can try to redeem myself by back peddling or apologizing, but the blurt can never be unsaid and unremembered.
On not so good days, I will ramble on and not catch myself until I am home, quite often at three in the morning during my regular wild mind wake time – and then think “What in the hell was I thinking?”….”What was gained by saying that?”
I would like to blame it on the person that I was speaking to, and on the rare occasion I know I can attribute my slips to “what I call – my triggers” There are people that trigger us to be chumps. I fall into the trap very quickly when I am with someone that uses sarcastic humour to poorly disguise hostility or judgement. It amazes me that these people think that what they are saying is funny or endearing. Is there supposed to be some kind of comradeship in being able to make a hurtful, slamming comment to a friend – even if it disguised as a joke? I have watched my husband and friends tease each other about positions in hockey drafts or the mornings golf game – totally different – sometimes love and comradeship is shown by teasing and kibitzing. It’s part of safe friends, we all do it and I love it. I tire of the person that does it to teach a lesson or beaks continuously, every time you meet them and if there is an audience, it seems to bouy them up and give them more motivation to keep going. For me, it gets old, real, real fast.
I digress. This is not about the people who trigger – that turns me into a victim. This is about me and what comes out of my mouth and why it does? I know I do it as a defense mechanism when someone’s views about something fundamental differ from mine. I’ll often make a jab that doesn’t confront the issue at all but somehow makes me feel better. I will also do it if someone’s gossip is making me uncomfortable. Instead of the logical ‘I don’t want engage in this”, I will make some kind of convoluted judgey comment to them. It solves nothing.
Sometimes I really believe that it just immaturity or jealousy. I think often we hear comments being modelled on television or by people of power that are shown as normal and acceptable behavior. Boorishness is never normal or acceptable. Why would we think that saying something without regarding the impact or sensitivities of others is ever acceptable? Why do we sometimes believe that the way we see the world is the way everyone sees it? That we are so right, every one else must be wrong.
I hate when my words are chosen without thought and make someone else uncomfortable or hurt. I go over those words in my head and wish I could go back. But 67 years of working at this and still, too often, I blurt.
I guess most of us are somewhere in the middle of being virtuous, compassionate, wise, empathic, cowardly, self-important, and boorish. I give myself moral reminders and try to listen more than I speak. But if I have ever spoken down to you, embarrassed you, chided you, bullied you, or given you unasked for advice, I apologize.
It speaks about me, certainly not about you.